


My Moony

by lovingremus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, First War with Voldemort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 14:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21375451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovingremus/pseuds/lovingremus
Summary: Sirius is sent to Azkaban and Remus finds his secret journal.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 87





	My Moony

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever. I'm not fluent in English so there's probably some mistakes, hope not too many!
> 
> Edit -- There is now a rewritten, longer and quite a bit better version of this on my Instagram page (lovingremus), so check out too if you want!

November 2, 1981. Almost midnight. Remus Lupin’s heart had broken into hundreds of pieces. He had just arrived home and heard the news. Lily, James and Peter… Dead. Sirius. Imprisoned. _Sirius… _Remus was certain, that Sirius was innocent, but how could he ever prove that? Sirius had been the secret keeper. He would have told Remus if something had changed, right?

Remus would have volunteered to be sent to Azkaban instead of Sirius in a second. At least there he couldn’t be danger to any but himself, maybe. He’d been really close to hurting some people during the last few full moons, but Sirius had always been there to stop him. I should be locked up, not him, thought Remus bitterly. Sirius didn’t deserve any of that.

Remus wandered mindlessly around their muggle apartment. It was small and dark but quite cozy. It was the safest place they had been able to find. He found himself sitting on his and Sirius’ bed in their bedroom. He looked around, seeing pictures of them hanging on the wall. He had put them up as a surprise for Sirius a couple of weeks ago. There were piles of books everywhere and a huge bar of chocolate on the nightstand (and a lot more of them in the drawer). Everything looked so normal. It hurt Remus. It felt like Sirius could walk in at any given moment, smile and tell that they’d visit Lily, James and baby Harry on the weekend.

Sirius was the only thing missing in the room. But then Remus noticed something, that had not been there before.

It was an old journal, resting on the bed on the side where Sirius usually slept. Remus picked it up quickly. He realized that he had in fact seen it before. He had caught Sirius writing on it a couple of times during the years. He knew Sirius valued his privacy, so he had never asked about it - and apparently Sirius always hid the journal well after writing, because Remus had never seen it laying around like that before. It seemed like it had been just forgotten there…

Remus couldn’t help it and opened the journal. On the first page he saw the date _March 15, 1975_. He almost felt like smiling. That was the day they had started to date.

\--

_My Moony just told me he likes me. I can’t believe it. Fuck, he really likes me! It might be too soon to tell him how in love I am. Have to stay cool, right? He can never know how soft I am for him. It might get into his head. I just told him I like him too… then I kissed him (it was the best moment of my fucking miserable life). I tried my best to pretend it was tolerable, at most._

Remus felt tears filling his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. He quickly dried them with his sleeve, sniffed and kept reading. It was clear that Sirius wasn’t very enthusiastic writer - the next one was written on _December 25, 1975._

_Staying at Hogwarts with my Moony and Prongs. Not many other people here - finally a real chance to have some quality time with my Moony. Prongs has already agreed to move to the common room for the holidays. He doesn’t seem to regret his decision._

_I’m dying to tell my Moony how much I love him, but I’m so scared._

_\--_

_January 13, 1976_

_I’m an idiot. My Moony told me he loves me. And I couldn’t say it back._

_I wanted to. I really wanted to. But the words just didn’t come out. I told him that I wasn’t sure yet. I acted like a bloody baby. _

_Maybe I’ll wait after the next full moon. It’d cheer him up to hear it when he’s laying in the hospital wing after his transformation._

_\--_

_February 28, 1976_

_I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I almost lost him two days ago and I almost never had a chance to tell him those three words I’ve been trying to tell for ages now._

_My Moony hurt himself really badly. Even that was entirely my fault. We had a fight, which led to me not going to keep an eye on him in my animagus form. I could’ve distracted him, helped him somehow. He had wandered far into the Forbidden Forest and got attacked by Merlin knows what creatures… and as that wouldn’t have been bad enough, fell off a small cliff. He was found and brought in by a centaur named Firenze, I think - my Moony was barely breathing…_

_He was at St Mungo’s for these couple of days and has now been brought back to the Hospital Wing. I think they are keeping him unconscious so he wouldn’t have to deal with all that pain._

_I should have been there. I’ll never forgive myself. I’ve been an asshole. I should have told him earlier. I fucking hate to admit it even to myself, but maybe I enjoyed the situation a bit - letting myself think I deserved all of his love, but he would be fine thinking I didn’t love him… it’s the other way around, and I’m disgusting, he should dump my selfish ass and find someone worthy of him._

_Update: I got to see him tonight. Madam Pomfrey let me stay only a few minutes. My Moony was awake - and I’m not ashamed to say that I sobbed way too loudly the whole time, I probably hurt his ears - and I told him a million times that I love him, told him that he deserves the world… and my Moony was too tired, too much in pain to speak or even open his eyes, but he managed to smile a bit and I’ve never seen anything so beautiful._

_\--_

_March 3, 1976_

_My moony finally got out of the Hospital Wing. He still looks pretty pale and has to move around carefully because he’s still hurting. Even the healers at Saint Mungo’s couldn’t have figured out what had attacked him in the forest, but I overheard Madam Pomfrey talking to McGonagall and she said it definitely had something to do with dark magic. He’s got deep, visible scars on his face that will never fully heal. He hates to look in the mirror even more than he used to, but to me, he’s still the most beautiful person in the whole wide world._

_\--_

_March 10, 1976_

_It’s my Moony’s birthday. I got him fucking insane amount of chocolate and a scarf with our initials knitted on it. He has been very self-conscious about his scars lately, especially on his face and neck. As much as I tell him that they don’t define him, he wants to cover them up. It makes me sad, but I also want to try to respect that._

_I flipped through this journal and read every entry I’ve written so far. It’s quite pathetic how there’s only a few of them though I’ve had this journal for a year. Also, I don’t seem to write about anything or anybody else than my Moony. Guess it’s clear what really matters to me. Maybe one day all the pages are full, and it’ll be a document of our love. Or my love for him._

_\--_

Remus kept on reading and turned the pages with trembling hands. Sometimes he’d chuckle when reading about a happy memory and sometimes pain filled him as he came across something painful.

June 18, 1978. They broke up for a month.

September 2, 1979. They moved in their current apartment.

November 3, 1979. “_I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him (My moony got me my favourite conditioner for my birthday).”_

April 17, 1980. A tough full moon, once again. There was a few of them in a year, it had all gotten much harder after leaving Hogwarts.

July 31, 1980. Lily and James had a son, and Sirius told Remus about his dream to have a family with him. To his surprise, Remus had agreed. “After the war. I promise.”

Sirius really hasn’t been very dedicated writer. Remus smiled at that thought. But it was understandable. There was always so much going on, even when they were still at Hogwarts, that there simply wasn’t much time for writing a bloody diary.

Everything Sirius had written so far had revolved around Remus - him and Remus - and sometimes their friends or members of the Order.

There were only a couple of pages left. Remus was scared to continue, to finish the journal… he never wanted it to end… he wanted to dwell on the memories, even the ones that still caused him nightmares, because at least he had had Sirius…

\--

_October 2, 1981_

_I’ve finally decided to do it. I’ve got a date and everything in mind: it’ll be after November’s full moon, and hopefully (if he says yes) we’ll have a Christmas wedding. Yeah, I’m going to propose to him._

_The thing is, I love that man more than anything. Ever since we were thirteen, I’ve been just so in love. I never imagined my life going this way - marrying a nerdy bloke and considering having kids - I’m not the tough guy I always have pretended to be. I never thought I would love someone enough to cook him breakfast for his birthday but now I find myself cooking for the love of my life every damn morning and one hundred percent voluntarily. And I wouldn’t change it for any price._

_Remus had a tough full moon this month. In addition to that, Dumbledore sent him to some other werewolves, and that dumbass went. I shit you not, I didn’t sleep, eat or even barely move during the time he was gone. I was too terrified for him._

_ He tries to look strong, but I know he’s hurting. The war is stressing him out, and that’s no wonder, he has the biggest heart… he’s so empathetic, he “secretly” cries over deaths and injuries of people we don’t even know. My sweet Moony._

_\--_

Remus read the text over and over again. Sirius had been planning on proposing to him. He got up and paced around the room, squeezing the journal against his aching chest, wishing, dreaming, _praying…_

Eventually he sat back down and taking a deep breath opened the journal to read it one more time - but noticed another page full of writing after it.

Remus had been sure that was the last entry, giving how often Sirius had written on the journal before. Of course, there wouldn’t be anything about how the proposal went because it never happened… But what could it be?

\--

_October 31, 1981_

_James and Lily are dead. I’m leaving this journal on plain sight on purpose, my Moony - if something happens to me… I hope you read this. God, I wish I could have said this all to you face to face, see you one more time, explain. But of course, you’re working a thing for the Order on the other side of the country. You’re probably back a day or two too late…_

_If you read this, I’m probably dead, but you’d know that already… I’m trying to do the right thing. To fix my horrible mistake. My moony… Remus… forgive me. I didn’t betray Lily and James. You know that. It was_

\--

The text was supposed to continue on the next page, but it was ripped off. Remus flipped through the journal furiously but didn’t find any more writing. He tried every spell he knew, to reveal hidden messages and even shouted out a desperate “accio page!” but the few crumbly pieces of paper flying to his lap were pointless, like recipes or pages from Sirius’ old school books (of course Remus tried his charms on these pages too).

He got up, took the journal and his winter robes and immediately travelled to Hogwarts. He went straight to Dumbledore’s office, slammed the door open without knocking and threw the journal on the desk between them. Dumbledore didn’t look a bit surprised that Sirius Black's lover had just stormed in.

“A proof”, Remus said. He knew how desperate the tone of his voice was, how pleading. But if there was even the smallest chance that he could help… “Sirius couldn’t have done it. He should have a fair trial, at least, bloody hell…”

Dumbledore studied the journal, read it through and started tapping it with his wand, murmuring something. Remus stood watching, quietly, barely breathing. Finally, Dumbledore closed the journal and looked at Remus. The younger man's heart jumped hopefully.

“We can’t prove a thing. Somebody must have simply stolen the ripped page. I can’t trace it or do anything else to help. I’m sorry, Remus.”

Remus sank on his knees. And so did Sirius, at the exact same moment, all the way in Azkaban, holding himself and sobbing, somehow just knowing that his plan did not work, that he had left Remus alone, knowing he’d never see his face again.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr @[lovingremus](http://lovingremus.tumblr.com/)


End file.
